Snickerfodder

Sassy Viv’s Story

Posted on: August 31, 2009

Sassy Viv is a chain-smokin’, trench-mouthed, grumpy old bitch with a wicked, twisted view of the world.  She has something to say about everything and everybody, and it’s not gonna be very nice, but it’s gonna be funny and it’s probably gonna be true.  Her acid tongue and sharp wit wield no mercy.  Her favorite topics are idiocy at work in the world and her worthless, good-for-nothin’ husband, The Dingus, and two @$#%^&! kids.

Sassy Viv is the alter ego of a really sweet former Catholic- school teacher.  The alter ego of the alter ego, oh, hell, let’s call her   Ego #1, absolutely adores her fabulous and devastatingly handsome husband, El Guapo, and her two precious, precocious daughters, the M & Ms.

Though Ego #1 strives daily to find peace, joy and happiness in her life, she is thwarted at every turn.  She has been driven to the brink of insanity by such inane, mundane tasks of folding laundry and matching socks – precisely what she will be doing for all eternity in hell.  

Sassy Viv evolved to protect Ego #1 from the only thing she fears: prison.  (Although, a stint in prison would be a vacation; a bed to herself, 3 squares, no cleaning and only 1 other person in the room with her as she shits…paradise!)

Sassy Viv is Ego #1’s writing voice; and that voice is tobacco-ravaged and gravelly.  Sassy Viv has the courage to say and do what Ego #1 wants to say and do… but doesn’t dare because of that prison thing….

Sassy Viv’s favorite quotation, “What fresh hell is this?”,  comes from another spirited & spunky writer who bent over and told the world to kiss her ass:  Dorothy Parker.  Dot and Viv will be best buds in Sheoul.

Snickerfodder is Ego #1’s brainchild, but Sassy Viv is the writer.   Keep an eye on the flavor; you’ll know which one’s at the keyboard.  Just remember that one of them desperately wants to avoid hell; the other one’s already there.

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2 Responses to "Sassy Viv’s Story"

Chris Rock had it right when he said “Prison is f***ed up”. Please contact me when you commit your horrific, newsworthy crimes so that we may begin negotiations to have you in alternative incarceration, AKA on Oprah. In the meantime, please practice crying when you hear the phrase “How did that make you feel?”

Hey! Shyster! (Love your handle, BTW!)

Dude, no worries ’bout fake tears here; I’ve been workin’em up in a flash to work over The Dingus for years.

So, do tell, Counselor: just what sorts of “character reformation” would the Oprah option entail?

Expressing the anal glands of her fuzzy mutts?

Draggin’ around her Wagon O’ Fat?

Stuffing every sq. mile of her into her “skinny jeans”?

Observing and recording her BFF time w/ Gayle?

HMMM…Let me think…Prison?…Oprah?…Oprah?…Prison?…

I’ll take “Be Big Mama’s Bitch for 10 to 15,” Alex.

But don’t worry, Counselor; You’re my go-to guy for all things legal. You’ll be the one I call when land in the hoosegow!!!

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