Michelle’s Miraculous Uterus, or Those Duckin’ Fuggars
Posted September 4, 2009on:
Is it just me, or have TV families grown exponentially over the years?
According to Jennings Bryant’s 2001 Television and the American Family, the number of children in a TV show “family” has increased over the past 45+ years:
Decade Avg. # of kids in a TV show family
80’s 2.2 (slight dip here; yuppies)
Umm-hmm; now I don’t know just how a director might cast .8 of a kid (perhaps he was an amputee, I dunno), nor do I know how Bryant calculated his figures, either. So…
Let’s use The Sass Factor (or, No Real Logic Here, Just What Viv Feels Like Spoutin’):
Early on, Ozzie and Harriet had that total hottie Ricky and the other one. (that’s 2 kiddos)
Then there were My Three Sons.
We found the nuclear family in the Beaver, June, Ward ‘n Wally.
Next, the Jackson 5 (oops! Now 4…)
Comin’ up: Those toothy Osmonds.
Then The Brady Bunch weighed in with 6…(does it count that Dad was a flamer?)
The Partridge Family added a couple more kiddies.
Dick Van Patton had somebody a’pattin’ his dick to give him enough with
8 freakin’ kids.
*Don’t forget that adorable family of little people! (oh, wait! Maybe that’s how they come up with .8)
(If that’s the case, then maybe the little people come before Dick) (yes, I know, “which comes first, the little people or the Dick” ha ha ha).
How ‘bout Jon & Kate? (If the nation can just keep oglin’ that train wreck for a coupla more months, maybe Jon & Hailey will make it 9 !!!)
*I don’t know quite where those creepy Waltons fit in to my scheme; honestly, I don’t really count them ‘cause I’d wager good ‘ole John Boy fathered some of his own siblings.
And finally, we come to television’s Mother Lode: the Duggars!
19 KIDS AND COUNTING !!!!!
Good God, MY uterus hurts just thinkin’ about it! (and speaking of uteruseseses…or is it uteri ?…)
At what point, I wonder, that after that many damn kids, does a woman’s uterus just flippin’ FALL out?!
I envision Michelle’s womb ploppin’ to the floor in this manner:
“Oh, Praise Jesus, Jim Bob, (Jimbo, Jimboree, whatever the hell his name is), look!
“Oh, Sweetheart, I think our good Lord, Jesus Christ, praise be to God on High, Our Savior has blessed us with yet another baby to love… and to enjoy… and to cherish …and to bring up in the service of our King! Why, we thank you sweet Jesus, I didn’t even know I was once again with chil…oops! No, my mistake, that’s just my uterus on the linoleum. Jim Bob, would you be so kind as to fetch Jana, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joy-Anna, Johanna, Jennifer and Jordyn-Grace from their dress-makin’ and knock on the doors of Josh, John-David, Joseph, Josiah, Jeremiah, Jedidiah, Jason, James, Justin and Jackson and tell them to zip-up from their seed-spreadin’ practice, and have all of my sweet babies come in here to help me stuff this womb back into my taint.
“Oh, and bring in the camera crew to record this most amazing miracle…why we can study mama’s vagina for science tomorrow! Whew! Oh, thank you, sweet Jesus, Amen! Thank you for not calling my uterus home to be with you, thank you for showing us that your plan for us, your humble servants, is for us to keep going forth and multiplying, exponentially, as you have demonstrated time and again! We thank you, Father, we thank you, Sweet, Sweet Jesus, for my miraculous uterus! For a minute, I was so afraid that my baby days were over! Thank you, Jesus!”
Now THERE’S must-see TV! (Train wreck? We won’t be able to stop watching them even when she starts spittin’ out flipper-kids!)
The world record for the most children born in a single family is a whopping… *69 (har-har).
(*actually, that would’ve guaranteed far fewer kids).
Those Fuggars better git Duckin’!
Evidently, Michelle and Jimbo have exhausted all known and listed “J” names in The One-in-a-Million Baby Name Book, and are soliciting names for this next kid the missus squirts out. Now, I don’t know from squat, but I’m guessing “Jesus” is a great, big Fundamentalist no-no, so for the 19th kid’s handle, here’s Sassy Viv’s official submission:
Just cross your dagum legs!