Church Bulletin Bloopers

Posted on: September 24, 2009

Now, you know Viv didn’t come upon these little beauties in her own search for spirituality; she has been barred from many a church….

Attribution:  No idea from whence they came;
Source:  Unknown
*Unlike J.K. Rowling, Viv’s not into plagiarism;  these are just too damn funny not to share! 
   Thanks to my friend who emailed these for giggles and grins!

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared
in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight:
‘Searching for Jesus.’
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone
who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled the
proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
*Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the       
back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last
Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’


*Viv’s Very Favorite!


5 Responses to "Church Bulletin Bloopers"

HA – before I noticed the footnote, the low self-esteem entry had me laughing.

Keep up the fun stuff, I love checking these out every morning before I pretent to be busy in my office.

Love ya,

Shit I can’t even spell PRETEND.

Dumbass Viv — I drank coffee while reading; I dribbled Joe all over m’damn keyboard when I got to the low self-esteem one!

*of interesting note: joe up-the-nose burns almost as much as soda.

At least it wasn’t ‘up the butt Bob.’ Which I’m guessing burns as well.

LOL! Good one, BN!

I’m awarding you 50,000 phantom bonus points.

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