Snickerfodder

Archive for January 2010

  


 


 


  


The Viv’s got a bad case o’


 


  


  


   


PENIS ENVY.


 


  


  


  


Should’a been a man.


 


 


 


 


I don’ even hafta


  


have a BIG peteybob;


  


ANY ol’ peteybob’ll do.


 


 


 


 


Should’a been a man.


 


 


 


 


Men just seem to have ALL the fun.


 


 


 


 


Now, don’t get me wrong;


I am keenly aware that WOMEN are,


 


 


BY FAR,


 


  


the STRONGER of the sexes –


mentally, physically and emotionally


 hands-down.


 


 


 


 


Post hoc ergo propter hoc


 


 


 


The Viv’s got


 


 


  


tits an’a t’aint.


 


 


 


 


 


No, MEN just enjoy a LICENSE,


 


 


nay, an INVITATION,


 


 


to be rude, crude, obscene and ruthless;


 


 


 


 


 


 


I want entrance to that club.


 


 


 


 


Now, upon first encounter, one may be duped into seeing The Viv as a happy, sweet, seegodineveryone kinda gal.


 


 


I might be able to fool ya for a few years.


 


 


You may even be so snowed that you might invite me to go shopping with you or invite me to one’a your dumb-ass coma-inducing


Pampered Chef parties.  


 


 


Why, you may even try to sucker me into some sappy tee-towel swap…


 


 


 


Save your time, gals!


 


 


 


 


 


The Viv’s got


 


 


NO TIME


 


 


for that


 


 


pansy-assed-


girly-girl-


happy-fuckin’-homemaker


 


 


 


HORSESHIT.


 


 


 


 


Tee-towels, for chrissake?  


 


 


 


God and baby Jesus, but I still have dishtowels from my friggin’ weddin’ I haven’t even USED yet.


 


(No need for’em; I just let rip a string of expletives in the general direction of the dishes, and


 


 


 


 POOF!  


 


They’re DRY.)


 


 


 


 


 


Awwww


 


 


PUPPIES


 


 


 


 


 


 You’ve forwarded to me


 


 


118 jpeg files


 


 


of adorable, fluffy puppykins?


 


 


 


 


 


Unless each file is labeled,


 


 


 


 


Boa Constricts Cute Puppy Video


 


 


 


 


or


 


 


 


 


Cute Puppy Beheaded by Dropped Cleaver”–


 


 


 


 


 


SAVE YOUR TIME, SISTER


 


 


 


 


 


(and your manicure!) 


 


 


 


 


 


 


Emails extolling the beauty of


 


 


 


 


God’s greatness?


 


 


 


 


 


The ones promising a


 


 


 


‘MIRACLE! 


 


 


 


at this exact time


 


 


 


TOMORROW!’,


 


 


 


 


warning


 


 


 


 


that if you don’t


 


 


 


 


forward this to 5,000


 


 


 of your closest friends


 


 


within the next 15 minutes,


 


 


 


 


 


you will be sucked


 


 


 


into the very abyss


 


 


 


of


 


 


 


Hell’?


 


 


 


 


 


 


DELETEDELETEDELETE.


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


What’s on TV tonight


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


The umpteenth


 


 


 


ENCORE! Lifetime presentation of


 


 


 


 


 The Notebook


 


 


 


…or…


 


 


 


 


 


a Kill Bill


 


 


(vols. 1 AND 2)


 


 


 


FX marathon


 


 


 


 


 


 


…hmmmmm….


 


 


 


 


 


THERE’S


 


 


 


a dilemma


 


 


 


I know not.


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


I take as proof


 


 


 that I should’a been a MAN


 


 


the fact that I’m partial to the


 


 


 


 shootemup


 


 


 


slicemup


 


 


 


beatemtoafuckinbloodypulp


 


 


 


 


type’a


 


 


 


entertainment.


 


 


 


 


 


 


The sicker,


 


 


 


the more warped


 


 


 


and twisted


 


 


 


 AND


 


 


 


 


violent,


 


 


 


 


 the better.


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


  Factor in


 


 


 intelligent barbs


 


 


 and


 


 


 wicked repartee,


 


 


 


 and,


 


 


 


 


 


 


Honey, I need a freakin’ smoke.


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


I light votive candles to


 


 


Quentin Tarantino.


 


 


 


 


 


 


Some of The Viv’s All-Time FaVorite MoVies:


  


 


 


*Inglourious Basterds


* (PRIMO!)

 Reservoir Dogs


The Kill Bills


Pulp Fiction


*Grindhouse: Deathproof  


*(one helluva ‘girls-kickin’-ASS’ flick!)

The Punisher


Army of Darkness


3,000 Miles to Graceland


Fight Club


Natural Born Killers


Training Day


The Usual Suspects


Clockwork Orange


The Departed


Payback


Sexy Beast


Slingblade


Transporter


Mr. and Mrs. Smith


300


No Country for Old Men


There Will Be Blood


Very Bad Things


Scarface


 


 


 


 


 


 


I cannot WAIT for


 


 


From Paris With Love


 


 


to hit the theaters!


 


 


 


 


 


 


Why, I’ve gone all


 


 


 


UZI


 


 


 


over bald Johnny T.!


 


 


 


 


 


  


 


You wanna cut down on terrorism?


  


 


  


  


Toss The Viv a


 


  


 


Bushmaster 16” M4 Carbine


 


 


with 


 


 


Bird Cage Flash Suppressor


  


(SO much freakin’ lighter than the UZI!)…


 


 


 


 


Or better yet:


 


 


 


 


Let’er MacGuyver a


 


 


dirty, little IED


 


 


out’n a


 


 


Playtex tampon,


 


 


Mr. Clean


 


 


 and some 5 gum….


 


 


 


 


 


Hot Damn


 


 


 


 


 


Should’a been a MAN!


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


A friend recently had a date night with her hubby.


 


 


 


 


 


 


Dinner and a movie?  


 


 


 


 


 


Candlelight tubby


 


 


with some


 


 


Barry White


 


 


in the background?


 


 


 


 


 


NOPE.


 


 


 


 


 


Lucky gal…


 


 


 


 


 


 


Her hubby took her to a


 


 


 


UFC


 


 


 


 


circuit event!


 


 


 


 


 


 


Nothin’ says lovin


 


 


 like watchin’ a coupl’a


 


 


 beefy ‘roid boys


 


 


pummel each other raw


 


 


in a


 


 


 


Steel Cage Match


 


 


 


WITH weapons —


 


 


 


 


 


 BONUS!!!


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


Now THAT’S romantic!


 


 


 


 

Advertisements

 

 

Ya gotta LOVE elementary spelling lists.

  

 

 

 

Last week’s words win the prize.

 

  

  

 

My 3rd grader, M1,

came home with

STUPID

on her list.

  

  

  

 

Now, is that REALLY a word EVERY 3rd grader MUST KNOW how to spell in order to be considered ‘well-educated’ or at the very least, ‘competent’?

 

  

  

  

Will

STUPID

 be on the big state

Standards of Learning’ test?

 

  

  

  

What is the EDUCATIONAL VALUE, the LEARNING OBJECTIVE,

in a 3rd grader’s knowing how to spell this particular word? 

  

  

  

 

Will my kid be READING

  

Of Mice and Men,

Flowers for Algernon

or Hey, Dummy

  

IN 3RD GRADE

  

wherein she will

 ENCOUNTER

STUPID

and its synonyms

in PRINT???!!!

 

  

  

  

If my kid misspellsSTUPID’ on her test,

does this mean she will be

 ‘LEFT BEHIND’?

 

 

  

 

What if the STUPID kids misspell ‘STUPID’? 

 

 

 

 

STUPID’ on ANY school-sanctioned spelling list is STUPID.

 

 

 

 

No, I take that back.

 

 

 

 

Let’s go ahead and teach’em

 

 ‘FUCK

 

and each of its conjugations.

 

 

 

 

Then my 9-year-old

will be able to say that

STUPID

on ANY school-sanctioned spelling list is

 

 

 

 

FUCKING STUPID.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My little first grader fared no better last week.

 

 

 

She came home with ‘WORD FAMILIES’.

 

 

You know: 

 

 

AT’   family:  bat, cat, fat, hat, mat, pat, rat, sat, vat, flat, slat, splat…

UG’  family:  bug, dug, hug, jug, mug, rug, plug, slug…

UT’  family:   but, cut, hut, nut, put, rut…

 

 

 

 

One night her homework was to choose

four spelling words from the list,

and then to compose sentences

using each of those chosen words.

 

 

 

 

At the beginning of the school year, it was SHEER TORTURE for my M2 to come up with those measly FOUR easy sentences.

 

 

 

 

Now, midway into the year, she’s a pro.

 

 

 

 

No longer must SassyMama sit beside her and agonize for eternity over the construction of her sentences.

 

 

 

 

At this point, M2 does this assignment on her own, and when finished, she brings her work for me to check.

 

 

 

 

This week, she was particularly quick with her sentences. 

 

 

 

 

In no time at all, she presented her sentences for my approval.

(quite proudly, I must add) 

 

 

 

 

I walk my dog.”

He sat in the chare.”

The sqwerl ate a nut.”

 

 

 

 

My sister is not a slut.”

 

 

 

 

 

I’m pretty sure

 our school district

 would not only

 

 APPROVE;

 

I think they’ll bump’er

 

 straight to the senior class.

 

 

 

 

 

P.S.  She MEANT to write ‘SLUG’.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
   

The Viv’s Sassy Addictions:

  
  
 
 
 

 

Chocolate?           Check.

Nicotine?              Check.

Thrifting?              Check.

Vampire Porn?    Check.

Blogging?             Check.

Sarcasm?              Check.

Blasphemy?         Check.

FACEBOOK?       CHECK!

 

 

 

Yes, it’s true;

The Viv has sunk to an all-time LOW.

 

 

Though she used to LEAD workshops on AVOIDING and OVERCOMING peer pressure, she herself has become a victim of it.

 

 

Our sassygirl is now hopelessly

ADDICTED to FACEBOOK.

 

 

 

 

It’s a damn shame.

 

 

 

She fought the hard fight for a couple of years, but the attraction to reaching out to old pals was a force even she could not resist.

 

 

The Viv is one of those persons who is addicted to addictions.

 

 

It is a bona fide MIRACLE she didn’t do street drugs.

 

 

The SassMaster teeters on the brink of insanity; she is on rehab standby.

 

She has not been away from Facebook longer than a few minutes for DAYS.   

 

    

She now counts

 ketchup

 (straight from the packet)

and

 Tic Tacs

as nutritious meals

 for the M & Ms.

 

 

 

 

In the name of all that is holy,

 

 

DO NOT

FRIEND

THIS MERE SHELL OF A WOMAN!

 

 

 

 

And if you happen to work in

ANY

remotely-medically-related field

(data entry included):

 

 

 

REFUSE

 THIS WOMAN’S PLEA

FOR YOU TO

INSERT HER

CATHETER!

 

 

 

Is there a FACEBOOK ANONYMOUS group out there?

 
 
 
    

omg! thk g im no drg adct

 i wd b 2 stnd 2 rit!

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy New Year, folks!

 

 

 

Have YOU made any resolutions?

 

 

 

I certainly have.

 

 

 

THIS year, I shan’t  resort

to my annual resolution of  eliminating

 foul language and all four-letter verbiage.

(a TOTAL wash) 

 

 

The Viv cannot operate under a G-rated restriction.

 

 

Can I get a HELL to the No?!

 

 

 

No, THIS year, I, Sassy Viv,

hereby resolve to

 

 INCREASE

 

my limited

epithet repertoire.

 

 

 

I have worn the fuck outa’ ‘fuck‘.

 

 

 

For me, it simply doesn’t

pack the punch

that it used to.

(OOOH! A final preposition? Tsk. Tsk.)

 

 

 

I’m bored with ‘fuck’.

 

 

 

FUCK‘ is so OVER for The Viv.

 

 

 

(Well, that and the fact that I’m concerned my kid

 will respond with a snappy,

Fuck ‘dat!

when her teacher instructs her to submit

her addition homework.)

  

 

 

Nay, THIS year,

 

The Viv solemnly vows

 

to incorporate some sassy

 

SPANISH vulgarity

 

into her tired and overused lexicon.

 

 

 

 

I shall attempt to

 

 REPLACE

 

more of my go-to comfies

 

with colorful,

 

intriguing conjugations

 

en español.

 

 

 

 

Over the years,

 

I have tried

 

in vain

 

 to stop cursing.

 

 

 

No can do,  chiflados.

 

 

 

 

¡A LA CHINGADA!

 

 

  

 

Vulgarity

 is my heroin.

 (mi chocolate de fu man chu)

 

 

 

 It is my sanity; my release.

 

 

 

 

Were it not for cussin’

 

and for my lover, Nick,  (O’Tine),

 

I’d have ended up

 

in the hoosegow long ago.

 

 

 

 

I’m a connoisseur

 of language.

 

 

 

 

(Oui, I’ve mastered the jodido FRENCH, no?…) 

 

 

 

  

I fancy myself a wordsmith.

 

 

 

Aye!

 

Carl Sandburg,

yo soy una maldita puta.

 

 

LET ME WORK!

 

 

 

 

¡Feliz Jodido Año Nuevo!