Snickerfodder

Penis Envy

Posted on: January 30, 2010

  


 


 


  


The Viv’s got a bad case o’


 


  


  


   


PENIS ENVY.


 


  


  


  


Should’a been a man.


 


 


 


 


I don’ even hafta


  


have a BIG peteybob;


  


ANY ol’ peteybob’ll do.


 


 


 


 


Should’a been a man.


 


 


 


 


Men just seem to have ALL the fun.


 


 


 


 


Now, don’t get me wrong;


I am keenly aware that WOMEN are,


 


 


BY FAR,


 


  


the STRONGER of the sexes –


mentally, physically and emotionally


 hands-down.


 


 


 


 


Post hoc ergo propter hoc


 


 


 


The Viv’s got


 


 


  


tits an’a t’aint.


 


 


 


 


 


No, MEN just enjoy a LICENSE,


 


 


nay, an INVITATION,


 


 


to be rude, crude, obscene and ruthless;


 


 


 


 


 


 


I want entrance to that club.


 


 


 


 


Now, upon first encounter, one may be duped into seeing The Viv as a happy, sweet, seegodineveryone kinda gal.


 


 


I might be able to fool ya for a few years.


 


 


You may even be so snowed that you might invite me to go shopping with you or invite me to one’a your dumb-ass coma-inducing


Pampered Chef parties.  


 


 


Why, you may even try to sucker me into some sappy tee-towel swap…


 


 


 


Save your time, gals!


 


 


 


 


 


The Viv’s got


 


 


NO TIME


 


 


for that


 


 


pansy-assed-


girly-girl-


happy-fuckin’-homemaker


 


 


 


HORSESHIT.


 


 


 


 


Tee-towels, for chrissake?  


 


 


 


God and baby Jesus, but I still have dishtowels from my friggin’ weddin’ I haven’t even USED yet.


 


(No need for’em; I just let rip a string of expletives in the general direction of the dishes, and


 


 


 


 POOF!  


 


They’re DRY.)


 


 


 


 


 


Awwww


 


 


PUPPIES


 


 


 


 


 


 You’ve forwarded to me


 


 


118 jpeg files


 


 


of adorable, fluffy puppykins?


 


 


 


 


 


Unless each file is labeled,


 


 


 


 


Boa Constricts Cute Puppy Video


 


 


 


 


or


 


 


 


 


Cute Puppy Beheaded by Dropped Cleaver”–


 


 


 


 


 


SAVE YOUR TIME, SISTER


 


 


 


 


 


(and your manicure!) 


 


 


 


 


 


 


Emails extolling the beauty of


 


 


 


 


God’s greatness?


 


 


 


 


 


The ones promising a


 


 


 


‘MIRACLE! 


 


 


 


at this exact time


 


 


 


TOMORROW!’,


 


 


 


 


warning


 


 


 


 


that if you don’t


 


 


 


 


forward this to 5,000


 


 


 of your closest friends


 


 


within the next 15 minutes,


 


 


 


 


 


you will be sucked


 


 


 


into the very abyss


 


 


 


of


 


 


 


Hell’?


 


 


 


 


 


 


DELETEDELETEDELETE.


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


What’s on TV tonight


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


The umpteenth


 


 


 


ENCORE! Lifetime presentation of


 


 


 


 


 The Notebook


 


 


 


…or…


 


 


 


 


 


a Kill Bill


 


 


(vols. 1 AND 2)


 


 


 


FX marathon


 


 


 


 


 


 


…hmmmmm….


 


 


 


 


 


THERE’S


 


 


 


a dilemma


 


 


 


I know not.


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


I take as proof


 


 


 that I should’a been a MAN


 


 


the fact that I’m partial to the


 


 


 


 shootemup


 


 


 


slicemup


 


 


 


beatemtoafuckinbloodypulp


 


 


 


 


type’a


 


 


 


entertainment.


 


 


 


 


 


 


The sicker,


 


 


 


the more warped


 


 


 


and twisted


 


 


 


 AND


 


 


 


 


violent,


 


 


 


 


 the better.


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


  Factor in


 


 


 intelligent barbs


 


 


 and


 


 


 wicked repartee,


 


 


 


 and,


 


 


 


 


 


 


Honey, I need a freakin’ smoke.


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


I light votive candles to


 


 


Quentin Tarantino.


 


 


 


 


 


 


Some of The Viv’s All-Time FaVorite MoVies:


  


 


 


*Inglourious Basterds


* (PRIMO!)

 Reservoir Dogs


The Kill Bills


Pulp Fiction


*Grindhouse: Deathproof  


*(one helluva ‘girls-kickin’-ASS’ flick!)

The Punisher


Army of Darkness


3,000 Miles to Graceland


Fight Club


Natural Born Killers


Training Day


The Usual Suspects


Clockwork Orange


The Departed


Payback


Sexy Beast


Slingblade


Transporter


Mr. and Mrs. Smith


300


No Country for Old Men


There Will Be Blood


Very Bad Things


Scarface


 


 


 


 


 


 


I cannot WAIT for


 


 


From Paris With Love


 


 


to hit the theaters!


 


 


 


 


 


 


Why, I’ve gone all


 


 


 


UZI


 


 


 


over bald Johnny T.!


 


 


 


 


 


  


 


You wanna cut down on terrorism?


  


 


  


  


Toss The Viv a


 


  


 


Bushmaster 16” M4 Carbine


 


 


with 


 


 


Bird Cage Flash Suppressor


  


(SO much freakin’ lighter than the UZI!)…


 


 


 


 


Or better yet:


 


 


 


 


Let’er MacGuyver a


 


 


dirty, little IED


 


 


out’n a


 


 


Playtex tampon,


 


 


Mr. Clean


 


 


 and some 5 gum….


 


 


 


 


 


Hot Damn


 


 


 


 


 


Should’a been a MAN!


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


A friend recently had a date night with her hubby.


 


 


 


 


 


 


Dinner and a movie?  


 


 


 


 


 


Candlelight tubby


 


 


with some


 


 


Barry White


 


 


in the background?


 


 


 


 


 


NOPE.


 


 


 


 


 


Lucky gal…


 


 


 


 


 


 


Her hubby took her to a


 


 


 


UFC


 


 


 


 


circuit event!


 


 


 


 


 


 


Nothin’ says lovin


 


 


 like watchin’ a coupl’a


 


 


 beefy ‘roid boys


 


 


pummel each other raw


 


 


in a


 


 


 


Steel Cage Match


 


 


 


WITH weapons —


 


 


 


 


 


 BONUS!!!


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


Now THAT’S romantic!


 


 


 


 

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6 Responses to "Penis Envy"

What!

Swearing at dishes will get them dry?

Wait ’til I tell my wife!

Hold on!

Do they have to be REAL cuss words or will

dangflabbitt maggot do the trick?

Oh, yeah, larryk…it works.

I dunno ’bout dishes, but when I said ‘dangflabbitt maggot’,

The Dingus burst inta flames….

I’d tell the wife not to try it on the good china.

Welcome, larryk, and thanks for mo’ fodder fo’ da snicker! 😉

The Viv

But if you had a peteybob then you’d be required to snack on Cialis every other day until you could reach the 4 hour “call the neighbors in to see this” benchmark. Careful what you ask for!

Ha Ha! LOVE it, Joyce!

Ok, can I just go for the happy medium and be hermaphroditic?

What, no Get Shorty???

Worth it just to hear Ray Bones Barboni utter his famous, “F U F-Ball!” line. Movies don’t get much better than that.

Look at me, Viv…

No, look at me the way I’m looking at you….;)

Totally forgot about Get Shorty, Sister M C!! Oh, yeah, that’s a definite FaV! Chili is the BEST!

That’s one o’ those films that’s much better than the book — THAT’s dialogue that’s meant to be HEARD.

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