Penis Envy

Posted on: January 30, 2010





The Viv’s got a bad case o’










Should’a been a man.





I don’ even hafta


have a BIG peteybob;


ANY ol’ peteybob’ll do.





Should’a been a man.





Men just seem to have ALL the fun.





Now, don’t get me wrong;

I am keenly aware that WOMEN are,






the STRONGER of the sexes –

mentally, physically and emotionally






Post hoc ergo propter hoc




The Viv’s got




tits an’a t’aint.






No, MEN just enjoy a LICENSE,






to be rude, crude, obscene and ruthless;







I want entrance to that club.





Now, upon first encounter, one may be duped into seeing The Viv as a happy, sweet, seegodineveryone kinda gal.



I might be able to fool ya for a few years.



You may even be so snowed that you might invite me to go shopping with you or invite me to one’a your dumb-ass coma-inducing

Pampered Chef parties.  



Why, you may even try to sucker me into some sappy tee-towel swap…




Save your time, gals!






The Viv’s got






for that














Tee-towels, for chrissake?  




God and baby Jesus, but I still have dishtowels from my friggin’ weddin’ I haven’t even USED yet.


(No need for’em; I just let rip a string of expletives in the general direction of the dishes, and






They’re DRY.)















 You’ve forwarded to me



118 jpeg files



of adorable, fluffy puppykins?






Unless each file is labeled,





Boa Constricts Cute Puppy Video










Cute Puppy Beheaded by Dropped Cleaver”–












(and your manicure!) 







Emails extolling the beauty of





God’s greatness?






The ones promising a








at this exact time














that if you don’t





forward this to 5,000



 of your closest friends



within the next 15 minutes,






you will be sucked




into the very abyss























What’s on TV tonight








The umpteenth




ENCORE! Lifetime presentation of





 The Notebook










a Kill Bill



(vols. 1 AND 2)




FX marathon

















a dilemma




I know not.









I take as proof



 that I should’a been a MAN



the fact that I’m partial to the




























The sicker,




the more warped




and twisted














 the better.









  Factor in



 intelligent barbs






 wicked repartee,











Honey, I need a freakin’ smoke.










I light votive candles to



Quentin Tarantino.







Some of The Viv’s All-Time FaVorite MoVies:




*Inglourious Basterds

* (PRIMO!)

 Reservoir Dogs

The Kill Bills

Pulp Fiction

*Grindhouse: Deathproof  

*(one helluva ‘girls-kickin’-ASS’ flick!)

The Punisher

Army of Darkness

3,000 Miles to Graceland

Fight Club

Natural Born Killers

Training Day

The Usual Suspects

Clockwork Orange

The Departed


Sexy Beast



Mr. and Mrs. Smith


No Country for Old Men

There Will Be Blood

Very Bad Things








I cannot WAIT for



From Paris With Love



to hit the theaters!







Why, I’ve gone all








over bald Johnny T.!








You wanna cut down on terrorism?





Toss The Viv a




Bushmaster 16” M4 Carbine






Bird Cage Flash Suppressor


(SO much freakin’ lighter than the UZI!)…





Or better yet:





Let’er MacGuyver a



dirty, little IED



out’n a



Playtex tampon,



Mr. Clean



 and some 5 gum….






Hot Damn






Should’a been a MAN!








A friend recently had a date night with her hubby.







Dinner and a movie?  






Candlelight tubby



with some



Barry White



in the background?












Lucky gal…







Her hubby took her to a









circuit event!







Nothin’ says lovin



 like watchin’ a coupl’a



 beefy ‘roid boys



pummel each other raw



in a




Steel Cage Match




WITH weapons —














Now THAT’S romantic!






6 Responses to "Penis Envy"


Swearing at dishes will get them dry?

Wait ’til I tell my wife!

Hold on!

Do they have to be REAL cuss words or will

dangflabbitt maggot do the trick?

Oh, yeah, larryk…it works.

I dunno ’bout dishes, but when I said ‘dangflabbitt maggot’,

The Dingus burst inta flames….

I’d tell the wife not to try it on the good china.

Welcome, larryk, and thanks for mo’ fodder fo’ da snicker! 😉

The Viv

But if you had a peteybob then you’d be required to snack on Cialis every other day until you could reach the 4 hour “call the neighbors in to see this” benchmark. Careful what you ask for!

Ha Ha! LOVE it, Joyce!

Ok, can I just go for the happy medium and be hermaphroditic?

What, no Get Shorty???

Worth it just to hear Ray Bones Barboni utter his famous, “F U F-Ball!” line. Movies don’t get much better than that.

Look at me, Viv…

No, look at me the way I’m looking at you….;)

Totally forgot about Get Shorty, Sister M C!! Oh, yeah, that’s a definite FaV! Chili is the BEST!

That’s one o’ those films that’s much better than the book — THAT’s dialogue that’s meant to be HEARD.

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  • None
  • Nibby: The world needs more 'fodder'....(and so does your little bro Nibby). Get back to work slack-ass. Just read your post on Toby chumming the Trooper
  • Sassy Viv: Thanks, Mr. Pete! Honestly, I've been too busy to go to town on it. It's gonna be a bear, I know. Thanks for the comment and for stopping by!
  • petedenton: I totally agree about having a preview button. Good luck with the rebuild!
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