Growing Old Grandly

Posted on: February 25, 2010




I think

I’m the oldest

1st-Grade Mommy

at the M & Ms’ school.



While my closet contains ‘fashions’ from the likes of  trendsetters Briggs, Sag Harbor, Alfred Dunner and Lee (the ONLY brand that successfully and moderately-comfortably accommodates my fat ass and cooling-tower thighs), the hot mamas’ closets hold skimpy little items from Forever21 and Hot Topic.   




MILF material, I am not! 




Boniva poster-bovine

 is more like it.




Though I have never had an ensemble that could be considered ‘in style’ at the moment (or in that DECADE), I do have a sense of my own style — we’ll call it ‘eclectic‘ as there is no fitting English term.   At my age and body-fat ratio, I lean toward my my ‘fat jeans’ (straight-leg with adjustable waistband,  thank you), and a big, hidey-all, knee-length sweater (all from the thrift store — $4.00 TOTAL).  I’d rather have the ankle-length knit frock, but my chunky boots’d get all tangled up in it as I was kickin’ my own arse for lettin’ it grow the size o’ the tri-state area.



However, I must admit that

even if I were a ‘younger mommy’,


The Viv would have no fashion sense,







 my fashion sense

boils down to the fact that



 I just don’t give a shit.

(a BENEFIT of old age)




I’m not afraid to grow old —

or to LOOK old.





Hell, I’m 40! 

SHOULD look like I’m 40!





 worry me NOT.  





In fact, I like to call my  ‘frown lines‘ the 







I earned it.






I’m considering

having my stylist





just to be done with it.





I’m seriously looking forward

to a salt’n’pepa do.




I may lament the fact that the  ‘younger mommies’ shop the cool stores, but truth to tell, even if I WERE young, I still wouldn’t nance around in low-rise flares, baring my midriff, showin’ off my taut skin and perky ta-tas.  It’s pretty damn cute on OTHER young gals, but for The Viv,  even had she dressed that way at 21, she would’a looked like nuttin’ but mutton dressed as lamb.




I DO feel sorry for the M & Ms, though.  The ‘younger mommies’ have so much energy.  SassyMama just doesn’t have the git-up-‘n-go that she had back when she was ‘supposed‘ to have popped out the pups.




VIM    +     VIGOR            VIV





My poor kids.  SassyMama simply cannot sit for hours in the bleachers without having crushed-up and snorted some DOANS; she cannot proffer more than 3 entries in round after eye-crossin’ round o’ the ‘Hey, Mommy, Guess What Word I’m Thinking About’ game without entertaining sado-masochistic fantasies;  she needs to wear her $1 magnifiers ON TOP OF her regular glasses in order to to untie the knots in shoelaces, and she’s too CHICKENSHIT to do a spin while ice skating for fear of breakin’ a hip.



The ‘younger mommies‘ can pretty much do everything they want to with their kids — and not need to sleep with the heating pad for the next week. 





The M & Ms

may have been


a bit,  

but age really

doesn’t bother 

The Viv. 





On a recent Uni-Mart piss-quest, upon closing the door to the vile lavatory, the store’s manager looked at my M & Ms and me, clearly sizing us up.  The Dingus had just bought a bottled water, so I felt we had adequately ‘paid’ to purge.  I was about to explain this to the middle-aged, middle-eastern man when he motioned for me to move in the direction of the front register.  He strode up one aisle while the M & Ms and SassyMama took the one beside him.  At a break in the food-barriers, somewhere near the chips  — on my side — (probably those little tree air fresheners and girls-with-big-tiddies lighters on his), he looks over at me, nods at the M & Ms —  and says,





Dese your







Then, he held out a basket of individually-wrapped hardtack candies to my GRAND children and me (you know the ones:  root beer barrels, butterscotches, Werther’s Originals, etc.,  — EVERY one of the ilk MY grandmother always carried in her pocketbook) and gestured for us to take one.



The Viv passed.










1 Response to "Growing Old Grandly"

Please post again…I so look forward to it!!!!
How’s life?

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  • Nibby: The world needs more 'fodder'....(and so does your little bro Nibby). Get back to work slack-ass. Just read your post on Toby chumming the Trooper
  • Sassy Viv: Thanks, Mr. Pete! Honestly, I've been too busy to go to town on it. It's gonna be a bear, I know. Thanks for the comment and for stopping by!
  • petedenton: I totally agree about having a preview button. Good luck with the rebuild!
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