Snickerfodder

Archive for April 2010

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank GOD for pharmaceuticals!

 

 

  

  

Buck up, Buddy...Jesus frickin' took railroad nails to the wrists just so you could have wonderful childhood memories. What a little pansy...

 

 

HOPPY EASTER!

 

 

 

I’m not too

poor

to buy one o’ those

 COLOSSAL

plasma HDTVs. 

 

 

I really don’t want one.   

 

 

Plus, I’m far too flippin’ BUSY to watch it, so WHY THE HELL would I wanna blow that much cash on a machine that is good only for projecting a giant dancin’ RODENT, an annoying square-pantsed SPONGE or the omnipresent Hanna Mon-freakin’-tana to babysit my kids? 

 

 NO THANK YOU!

 

Some people have SEVERAL of these monstrosities in their homes. 

 

They must LIVE for TV.   

 

 

These are the folks who always know EVERY character on EVERY blessed television show — especially those ridiculous ‘REALITY’ fiascos.  I got enough problems of my own; I find no purpose or pleasure in tryin’ to sort out someone else’s dirty laundry when I’m surrounded by mountains of my own.

 

When in the company of a group of women, I’m often the conversation spectator.  I feel like a complete moron because I don’t know what the hell they are talking about.  

 

“Did you see what Snooki was wearing?”

“I can’t BELIEVE that so-and-so was kicked off the show!  He was SO good!”

“I thought her tango sucked, but her two-step ROCKED!”

“Did you SEE Lost?  OHMIGAWD!”

 

 

LOST?  

 

 

 

That’s The Viv! 

 

 

She’s LOST in the conversation!  Couldn’t tell ya what’s on which night on which network, no how! 

 

 

  NO CLUE! 

 

NO TIME!

 

 NO CARE!

 

  NO SHIT!  

 

 

Now, don’t get me wrong; I LOVE TV.   I’m just too busy taking care of the M & Ms during prime time to actually sit my ever-expanding ass down to watch it.    Sure, I have favorite programs and series.  I can tell you WHAT they are, but don’t ask me when they air ’cause I have no idea. 

 

The Viv’s primetime is between 4 and 7 — AM.    And she doesn’t even WATCH; she LISTENS to the TV WHILE writing or hypertasking.  

 

 

AND SHE STILL CAN’T GET EVERYTHING DONE IN A DAY!

 

 

If, after the M & Ms are in bed (God-willing, by 9 pm) and my eyelids are capable of remaining open without the aid of scotch tape and/or toothpicks, I may flip on the tube. 

 

If I’m lucky, a show with which I am vaguely familiar may be on.  If I’m REALLY LUCKY, I will be able to put a name to the program, identify at least the first name of one of the leads, AND it will NOT be the ONE episode I lucked upon LAST GODDAM MONTH when last I was able to enjoy cable for which I pay so dearly.

 

Perhaps it’s just the age of my girls and the fact that they still need SassyMama’s help to get them  tubbied and ready for bed (HERDED is more like it).   Will there EVER be a time when I am able to say, “Okay, girls, go on upstairs and get ready for bed.  Mama’s gonna watch a few sitcoms, and then I’ll be up to kiss you g’night.” 

 

I wholly doubt that scenario.

 

Perhaps The Viv is simply too disorganized and thoroughly inept to be a ‘Super SassyMama’. 

 

You know — the one who is able to effectively plan and execute a rigorous and rigid homework/playtime/dinner/tubby/bed-by-7:30-WITH-STORYTIME kind of homelife for her kiddies — so that there may BE some evening left for her to do with as she pleases. Because, as that ‘Super SassyMama’, most assuredly, she has cleaned, done ALL of the laundry, and left no homechore undone (and her mani-pedi is perfect, to boot).

 

Is The Viv the BAD MOTHER because she runs so hard, doing everything she can for her children, keeping them busy with extracurricular sports and classes and family projects and crafts?   Is The Viv the crummy mommy ’cause after homework and softball, they went for a bike ride, and she didn’t serve dinner until 8:30 pm?   Keeping their little lives as full and active as possible — that there is just no time for primetime because her family is busy LIVINGis that BAD

 

What a colossal FAILURE!

 

Or, PERHAPS, are those women, those ‘Super Mommies’, whose babes are asleep by the end of the evening news — the ones who ARE able to watch hours on end of mindless, intelligence-zapping primetime reality-gagfests — could it be that THEY are the ones who are short-changing their children by putting themselves and their all-consuming need for TV first?  

 

Don’t feel sorry for The Viv because she doesn’t own the colossal plasma home-theatre system.  

 

 It just doesn’t fit into her colossal LIFE…or her decor.