Snickerfodder

You Are What You Read

Posted on: May 7, 2010




 



 



I know every book of mine by its smell,




and I have but to put my nose




between the pages




to be reminded of all sorts of things




~George Robert Gissing

 




 



 








 



‘Tell me what you read and I’ll tell you who you are’




 is true enough,




but I’d know you better




if you told me what you reread. 




~François Mauriac

 







 



A good book is always on tap;




it may be decanted and drunk a hundred times,




and it is still there for further imbibement




~Holbrook Jackson

 



 



 



For Christmas this year, The Dingus got me a Kindle. 

 




I actually WANTED it, which surprised me, a die-hard bibliophile. 

 




I LOVE everything about books — their smell, their feel, their heft — not to mention the amazing dreamscapes they at the same time bind and unleash. 

 




Whoever said ‘you can’t judge a book by its cover’ was no booklover. 

 




Often I WILL choose a book SOLELY based on its COVER — or by its gold-gilt pages — or perhaps because its pages are wafer-thin or unusually thick and rough hewn.  

 




I guess, then, that more often than not, the BOOK chooses ME. 

 




Specifically, I remember fingering Cormier’s I Am the Cheese back in 9th grade —  simply because the page’s edges were turquoise; I’d never seen anything like it, and being the tactile-visual gal I am, I HAD to HOLD and then OWN that book.  It is an amazing read. 

 




The feminine hands proffering the proverbial apple on the front of Twilight beckoned me from the portable metal shelves of a middle school book fair — long before the book became a sensation.  True, if I had known that it was about vampires and werewolves, I probably STILL would’ve read it, but it was that archetypal image on the front that called to the Eve in me…. 

 




Thus, for me to have a Kindle — a very generic, cold and mechanical literary vehicle — was anathema to me.   Here, there are no blurbs on the book’s back cover, there is no scratch and scrape of the page as it is turned, there is no crunch or crackle as the spine complains when injured.  Here, there are only ‘page clicks’ and a consistent weight.  There is no dusty, OLD and BELOVED, ‘library cologne’. 

 




And, yet, I have found that I enjoy my electronic reader — just not as much, maybe, as I would the actual, physical tome. 

 




What’s FAB-O about the Kindle is that I can store HUNDREDS of books on it at any one time.  As I am an eclectic reader who ALWAYS has at least FOUR books going at once, this nifty little gimmick is pretty much what hooked me on the Kindle. 

 




As evidence of my multiple personality disorder, my reading repertoire is quite varied.  Depending on the day, the TIME of day, hell, the time of MONTH — I have many reading MOODS and TASTES. 

 




 




At present, I am reading the following:  




 




Island of the Sequined Love Nun – Moore 



 


 Twilite:  A Parody – Jenner 




 


Skinny Dip – Hiaason 

 




The Shack – Young 

 




 


Now, three humorous ones and a religious/spiritual do not a varied mix make, but my usual book buffet has a bit more variety.  

 




 I ALWAYS have a funny book nearby, and the darker and more twisted and blasphemous, the better.   I like a good best-seller, too — mainstream fiction — involving lawyers, spies, science, prehistoric man or beast — thawed and on the rampage.   And how I do so enjoy a particularly-intelligent-sado-masochistic-cannibal-psychopath  or secret-treasure-huntin’ college professor!     

 




 





Horror?  Honeychile,  I’m IN! 




 



 

 




*I ADORE religious reading! 




It’s uplifting! 




*Especially when there is not one fuckin’ paragraph in my home, including the ingredients necessary to create the tissue with which I wipe my bound-for-Hell ASS, left unread. 

 





 




My only real plot requirement in my choice of reading material:  SOMEONE’S gotta DIE a wretched death

 




Dismemberment and humiliation of the victim in his final gasping moments are a BONUS

 




Cryptic biblical/apocalyptic metaphor = 1,000,000 phantom bonus points!

 




I do know that on my shelves, I don’t have a single romance (blech!), history, biography — auto- OR manual, nor one o’ those RIDICULOUS waste-of-cash  ‘thought/quote-a-day’ books.  (C’mon!   A} if it’s funny, I’ll read the damn thing in the bookstore in 10 mins., evoke tsks and the evil eye from other patrons and leave the book THERE, and B}  I’d rather save my $7, 014 — $14 for the discount softback of 365 Days: 365 Ways To Love and Serve Our Savior and $7,000 for my funeral after I saw off my own damn hands with the ragged book edge — ‘discount’, ‘member? — and bleed to death — on Day 4: ‘Wash Your Spouse’s Feet’.)   

 




   

 




There are books in EVERY room of my house — even the laundry room (a handy little text on lifting incriminating stubborn stains). 

 




While MY books are in every nook and cranny, stacked or stored in baskets and crates, my hubby keeps the total of his library on our bedroom bookshelf.  Honestly, I think he just likes to see the books, all lined up neatly according to size, and keep count of how many he’s read (‘Look how LONG my stack is, honey!’).

 




I think the difference in reading material preference in my home is testament to the adage that opposites attract.

 




While my bent is certainly toward the obscene, perverse, black and evil, the hubby is strictly a BUSINESS MANAGEMENT/CAREER-BOOSTER kinda guy.

 




 




 




BORING!




 

 




 

 




I cannot FATHOM how he is able to STAY AWAKE, let alone READ, these hebetudinous SNOREFESTS!   

 




Why, I do believe I’d choose toothpicks to the eyeballs over having to read one of these God-forsaken ‘Business Bibles’!

 




I mean, really, after he read How To Suceed in Business, is there TRULY a need to read any others? 

 




I must say, though, that I get a huge kick outa the titles.  Taken into individual consideration, the titles are not all that funny; read in a list, they are downright HILARIOUS:

 



 




  Naked in the Boardroom

 




New Rules for the New Economy

 




The Long Tail:  Why the Future of Business is Selling Less of More

 




Now, Discover Your Strengths

 




The Little Book of Coaching:  Motivating People to Be Winners

 




Teach Your Team to Fish

 




The Servant:  A Simple Story About Leadership

 




Yes, You Can!

 




Hardwiring Excellence

 




Start Late, Finish Rich

 




The New Strategic Selling

 




The Five Dysfunctions of a Team

 




Jesus, Life Coach

 




How to Become a Rainmaker

 




It’s Not How Good You Are, It’s How Good You Want to Be

 




GUT

 




Relevance:  Making Stuff That Matters

 




Leave No One Behind 

 




Authenticity

 




The No Asshole Rule

 




  

 




Though these books’ TITLES may tickle my funny bone, there is nothing funny or remotely entertaining whatsoever within their covers.  I am amazed at how many are sold each year.  There are some very boring people out there.

 




Has any CEO or billionaire ever attributed their huge success to the reading of these coma-inducing manuals? 

 




If ever I were so inclined to enter the business world,




and this type of ‘get-ahead’, ‘self-promotion’ literature




were expected and required of me,




I envision titles The Viv’s Kindle library might contain: 




 

 




  

 




New Rules for the New Philanderer:  How Jesse James Cools His Engine

 




TAIL:  Making the Most of Your ASSets

 




The Little Black Book:  Tiger Tees Off on T & A

 




Teach Your Team to Drink Like Fish at Conventions

 




The Servant:  A Simple Story About Leading Your Escort to Drop Her Pants AND Her Price

 




Yes, You Can Write Off  That Three-Martini Power Lunch!

 




Hardwiring Excellence:  Tapping The Boss’s Phone

 




The New Strategic: Selling Your Soul to Satan For Profit

 




Start Late, Leave Early

 




Jesus, Life Coach…And How That Worked Out For Him

 




How to Become a Rainmaker:  Blowing Town Before They Find You’re A Flim-Flam Man

 




It’s Not How Good You Are, It’s How Much You Can Embezzle

 




GUTLESS:  How To Blame Others For YOUR Fuckups

 




Relatives:  Nepotism Is The Key To Success

 




Leave No One Behind:  Kicking Off Everyone Else on the Corporate Ladder

 




Faking Authenticity:  Smoke and Mirrors  =  Success

 




*The No Asshole Rule

 




 

 




  (*Okay, THIS one IS real, and it’s FAB-O…Guess who bought it for The Dingus?)

 




   

 




True, though MY business library would lack adventure, excitement and gore (save for the Ladder one), at least MINE would be chock-full of giggles and guffaws.

 




 

 




 

 




   The leadership instinct




you are born with




 is the backbone. 




You develop




the funny bone




 and the wishbone




 that go with it. 




 

~Elaine Agather



 

 




   

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




  

 




 

 




































































































































Advertisements

8 Responses to "You Are What You Read"

Uh, can I borrow The No Asshole Rule?

SMC, as you are NOT an ASSHOLE, certainly you may borrow The No Asshole Rule!

You will LOVE it!

😉 VIV

Hilarious! I am clenching my gut due to laughing so hard. Love it, love it, love it!. Looking for a great page turner right now. Nothing too heavy, nothing too stupid… any suggestions?

Why, thank you, Danielle!

Have you read The Host by Stephanie Meyers yet? LOVED that one…nothing to do with vamps & wolves, though.

I also enjoyed Under the Dome by Stephen King.

I just started Terminal Freeze by Lincoln Child; so far so good.

Ever read The Secret Life of Bees? One of my faVs.

Grisham’s A Painted House will stay with me forever…also made me crave down-home victuals.

Christopher Moore is my go-to guy for a good guffaw…Love Nun was ok, but I didn’t enjoy it as much as The Stupidest Angel, A Dirty Job or You Suck. These may be stupid, but you’ll hurt from laughing so damn hard!

Read any David Sedaris? HE’s HILARIOUS!

Hope these help; none here will be found in a m.s. library, though!

😉 Viv

Now that I read so much for work, I read for pleasure much less. The last one I read was The Road by Cormack McCarthy. This had just about universal acclaim including the blessing of Her Holiness, Oprah I. I found it unremarkable, maybe because I’ve read countless post-apocalyptic books of the science-fiction-with-extra-cheese variety. Have you read it? If so, what were your thoughts?

Shyster,

Happy Belated Father’s Day!

No, I haven’t read The Road; I prefer my science fiction on film.

(Though the Sandy Bradigan in me screams, ‘But it’s a Pulitzer!’)

I do enjoy a tasty baby-on-a-spit now and again.

How disappointing that Her Holiness did not appear in the film; OPRAH roasting a newborn babe?

Now THAT’S tasty!

And I think that is really the key to the whole over-the-top adulation. McCarthy came up with one scene, not just shocking, but striking at the core of Her Holiness’ religion that it caused a visceral reaction in the readership that they mistook for being “moved”. This book is similar to when I find myself in a movie theatre listening to the back rows laughing uproarously while I’m mentally ticking off the jokes: not funny, not funny, mildly humorous, not funny, etc. I sit there and think, “is it me? or are they just pitching this thing to idiots?” Thanks for the Father’s Day wishes. The little guy is making it pretty easy on us. I’ll send some pictures to your email.

You betcha, Shystie!

Hope you enjoy my post ‘The Viv’s New FaVorite Video’ —

Just for YOU…Welcome to The Dad’s Life!

(If you go tickin’ off ‘not funny’ on THIS, then The Viv IS an IDIOT… and DAMN PROUD OF IT! 😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: