Snickerfodder

Archive for the ‘Deep Thoughts…by Sassy Viv’ Category

 

 

 

I can’t think about posting right now.

If I do, I’ll go crazy.

I’ll think about that tomorrow.

                                                                             -Sassy O’Hara 

 

 

 

The keen spirit seizes the prompt occasion.

                                                                                 -Hannah Moore

 

 

 

 

The keener spirit

seizes the prompt occassion

to promptly put off the prompt

until tomorrow. 

                                                                                   -Sassy Viv

 

 

 

 

 

 

        

 

      Proof

                   

    of

       

     REINCARNATION:

 

 

 

Ironically, this little one lives in a van down by the river.

 

  

  

  

  

In Bali,

an 18 year old kid

was caught

  

  

 humpin’ a heifer.

  

  

  

  

The cow,

  

he claimed,

  

was the

  

  

 

REINCARNATION

  

  

  

  

of a flirty woman

  

  

Sexy Beast

who had

 

seduced

 

him.

 

 

According to

Balinese law,

the kid had to

 

 

MARRY

 

 

 

THE

 

 

 

COW

 

 

 

 

in order to

 

cleanse

 

 the village.

 

 

 

 

 

Evidently, the 

 

vaca vixen

 

 was then

 

   ceremonially

 

drowned

 

  in the nearby river.

 

 

 

 

Poor cow.  

 

 

 

 

 

Now, I’m not so much into

 

 

BESTIALITY,

 

 

but

 

 

 I could go for some

 

 

 

REINCARNATION.

 

 

 

 

I mean,

 

if

 

 we are made of energy,

 

and

 

 

ENERGY

 

 

  

can be

 

neither

 

created

 

nor

 

destroyed,

 

 

 

when we

 

kick it,

 

 

 

 

 WHERE

 

DOES

 

THE

 

ENERGY

 

GO?

 

 

 

 

 

I like to think that

 

my energy,

 

my lifesource,

 

IF there BE

 

reincarnation,

 

 

WOULD NOT

 

 

end up bein’

 

bumrushed

 

by some

 

horny boy

 

with a

 

 

bovine BONER.

 

 

 

 

Instead,

 

I wanna come back as

 

 

 

The Dingus:

 

 

  

 

That sumbitch

 

has the life!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 “I believe … that the soul of man

is immortal

and will be treated with justice

in another life,

respecting its conduct in this.”

—Benjamin Franklin 

 

 

 

 Aw, HELL

 

 

that means

 

 

The Dingus

 

 

gets to keep

 

this

 

COW-bride.

 

(WHAT was I in my past life???)

 

 

This is the first week of school that M2 has been ‘on green’ ALL WEEK.

 

  

Well, technically, she was ‘on green’ on Monday. 

 

She spent the rest of the week at home trying to squelch her swine flu squeals. 

 

 But hey, the word ‘yellow’ didn’t appear once on her daily behavior report – that counts for somethin’, doesn’t it?

 

I gotta tell ya, this color system that schools use today to chart a student’s behavior is a great thing.  

 

 

In M2’s class:

 

 

 green is good

 

yellow is ‘a warning’

 

orange means ‘ya better back off, kid’

 

red says ‘Final Warning:  one more time, and you’re gonna get it but good’

 

 

 

 

and BLACK bellows:

 

 

THAT’S IT, YOU LITTLE FUCKER!

YOU’RE TOAST!

 

 

 

 

Thank God this system wasn’t in place when I was in school. 

 

 I never shut the hell up. 

 

I was always getting my chair or my desk moved either as far away from the others or front ‘n center beside the teacher’s desk.

 

I can’t help it; I’m a talker. 

 

But in my defense, I must say, that when I would get in trouble, I’d really only talked or giggled ONCE

 

After that, it only LOOKED as if I kept chattin’ up my buds.

 

In reality, I was just lookin’ around at everybody else — trying to figure out what the hell I was supposed to have been doin’

(‘cause I was too damn dumb to do two things at once and keep up with the rest of the class).

 

 Hell, I never heard another kid’s oral report once I hit the 9th grade.

 

 ‘Presentation Day’ would come, and I’d automatically assume my position outside the closed classroom door.

 

I’d never have survived this color system; for The Viv – they’d have needed a color darker than black.

 

 

 

My M2 didn’t stand a chance.  

 

 

 

Along with the chromosome for sass, I passed along the chat gene. 

 

Her kindergarten teacher once told me that she really didn’t know what M2 looked like – cause she’d only ever seen the back of her head.

 

 

The difference between M2 and me:  SHE can hypertask.

 

 

That kid can appear to be totally off-task, doing something like, oh, I dunno, stuffing her mouth with sopping paper towels or carving ‘I love you’ into the dining room table with an unfolded paper clip (how do you beat her for THAT?!), keep track of how many times her sister has shot her ‘stink eye’ and then cough up an answer like

 

 

Ta duo da?

 

 

when translating ‘how old is she?’ in Chinese.

 

 

I feel sorry for her 1st grade teacher;

 

 

 our Chinese tutor is dizzy after only an hour.

 

 

 

Damn!  My girl is good!

 

 

 

If only I could hypertask AND keep my wits about me; my goddam lungs wouldn’t be charred. 

 

 

 

I have a really hard time punishing a ‘talent’ I envy.

 

 

 

Bless her heart, M2 is having a really hard time with this color system. 

 

 

In the world outside of school, ‘green’ means ‘go’ (or, ‘go ahead and talk’); ‘yellow’ is Daddy’s favorite color and the color of the brick road that skippin’ Dorothy follows home (hence, a ‘GOOD’ color to M2).

 

 

 

I would totally fuck her up if I reminded her…

 

 

the Wicked Witch is GREEN.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As promised, here is Viv’s list of favorite words from A-Z.   It was difficult for this wordsmith to narrow it down to just one, true favorite, but the deciding factor was the frequency with which these little beauties spew from her piehole:

A – asinine

B – bastidge (from Johnny Dangerously, that fargin’ icehole)

C – Chrrr-ist Almighty!

D – dunderhead

E – eunuch

F – duh

G – giddyup

H – hootendafuck (as in “what in da…”)

I  –  idiot

J – Je-sus!

K – kumquat

L – lobotomy

M – mugginhuffer   and   motherfucker  (it’s a toss-up)

N – numbnuts

O – ontogeny (as in _______ recapitulates phylogeny; thank you, Mr. McNees, you were right; this science shit DID come in handy 30 years later)

P – prick

Q – quagmire

R – retard (the #1 teachers’ career-killer)

S – shut-the-fuck-up (as in “how ‘bout a nice, hot cup of…)   and SNACK

T – tintinnabulation, thwart and thwack  (a threesome…ooh!  there’s another!)

U – utter (as in _____ moron and _____ imbecile)

V – vicious

W – Wawa  –  arguably, the most asinine name in the world for a convenience station (unless the braintrusts who came up with it envisioned the store as metaphor for some Mojave oasis to which parched, mostly-dead desert survivors in need of refreshment might crawl)

X – xenophilia

Y – yenta

Z – zilch

 

Folks, I have bared my soul here; here I give you the very essence of Viv.

                                                     Oh!  Catharsis

 

So, what is YOUR favorite word(s)? 

– leave it in a comment! 

I adore words — my favorite word in the world is snack.  I love how it smacks in the mouth.  I especially love to hear the flight attendant announce it.

(One might be surprised that my favorites don’t start with “F”.)

After some deliberation, however, I’ve come to the conclusion that all of my favorite words/terms  start with “V”  

 (in the order they pop into my vapid mind):

Vagina 

Vacation

Void

Vivid

Vortex

Vice

Vex

Visceral

Volition

Vehemence

Vehicular  manslaughter

Viagra

Vicodin

Vodka

Vivification

Vilify

Villain

Vim

Vigor

Vestige

Vermiculite

Vile

VIP

Voila!

Voodoo

Vintage

Verve

Vociferous

Voluptuous

Vivacious

Veritable

Vivarin

Verisimilitude

Very

Velociraptor

Venial

Venom

Vitriol

Vapid

Victory

Victim

Visit

Voltaire

Voce

Voice

Vicious

Vixen

Virgin

Vasectomy

Venerable

Venerate

Vacillate

Vulture

Votive

Vindication

Volt

Vindictive

Victorian

Vain

Victuals

Viper

Vox

Vulcan, God of Fire

Vacant

Vent

Via

Vain

Voluminous

Vice Versa

Vomitous

Vendetta

Volatile

Varmint

Verbatim

Verbose

Verbal

Verbiage

Vulgar

Vicissitude

Vat

Vast

Vitavitavotamin

Vote

Vendetta

Vamoose

Virtual

Vacuous

Vichyssoise

Velveteen

Vampire

Vamp

Vegetate

Vinny

Vector, Victor (as in what’s your?)

 

“V’s” pack more punch than any plosive or sibilant in my book.  Plus, they’re just too much fun for the tongue!

 

Next blog:  Viv’s Favorite Words From A-Z!