Snickerfodder

Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

 

 

  

  

  

The M & Ms were ‘helping’ SassyMama clean up the kitchen the other night.

(the kind of ‘help’ that pushes mama one step closer to the nearest meth lab)

 

 

  

  

 

BLARING from my very favorite appliance in the world, my under-cabinet TV/CD/DVD player, 

 

came a COMMERCIAL

 

 

 

 

 

 

The ubiquitous and obnoxious SNUGGY plug? 

 

 

  

 

 

Naw; couldn’t be so lucky.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It just so happened to be one of those erectile dysfunction ads. 

 

 

 

 

 

GREAT.

 

  

  

 

 

M2, her nose buried in her 3rd  (yes, 3rd ) Nintendo DS game system, was intent on her Mario Bros. game — or so I thought.

 

 

 

 

The ad spokesman cautioned the millions of  men within the viewing (and listening) audience who have the occasional and unfortunate flaccid penis to:

 

 

  

 

 “Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough for sex….” 

 

 

 

 

 

M2, my hyper-tasking-Ritalin-poster-child,  immediately perked up.

 

 

 

 

 

“Mama,  why did that man say, ‘sex‘?”

 

 

 

 

 

“Um…oh, boy…ummm….nnuummm….”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

M1, who just turned a worldly nine years old, replied,

 

 

 

“Sex is whether you are a boy or a girl, stupid dummy-head.”

 

 

 

  

  

 

 

 

 

M2, who is six-going-on-26, said,

 

 

 

“Nuh-uh! 

 

Sex is when you get NAKED!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Oh, God and Baby Jesus, help me)

 

 

 

   

  

  

Just then, The Dingus walked in to the kitchen. 

 

 

 

 

 I was able to face neither him nor my precocious children; I remained with my back to the whole flippin’ lot of them, frantically trying to recall where the hell I’d stashed my ‘Let’s Talk About Sex’ script

 

 

 

***NOTE to SassyMama-Self:  Find that dagum script  — STAT!    An all-nighter-cram-and-jam session may be needed so that I wouldn’t get caught tomorrow, bright ‘n’ early, with more prickly questions.   

 

***Erstwhile, keep workin’ the ‘Mama’s-just-been-frontal-lobotomized-con’.   Drool for added authenticity:

  

 

 

 

 

“Ummm…nnnuumm…aaahhh…uuummm….”

 

 

 

 

 

Seeing that —  for once —  SassyMama had no sass up her ass, M2 whipped around to confront her father.   

 

 

 

 

 

“Daddy, did you and Mommy SEX in high school?

 

 

 

 

  

  

 

 

HOLY SHIT!  WHERE’D THAT COME FROM? 

 

That one’s NOT in the flippin’ script!

 

  

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Oh, God and infant baby Jesus lying in the manger)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I threw The Dingus right under the bus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I let that question (and my hubby)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HANG

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

I was able to muster only a few more weak monosyllabic utterances while pounding a cabinet with my open palm

(that one was genuine; no acting on the pounding).

 

 

 

 

The Dingus wheedled out of the question by saying something akin to:

 

 

 

“That’s something only those who are 10 and older are allowed to talk about.  

 

Until then, it’s not appropriate for little girls to discuss such things. 

 

 

 

When you’re 10, MOMMY will tell you all about sex.” 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Touché, mon ami, touché. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Though I am a married, single mother, last night at the mall —

 

 I fell head-over-heels IN LOVE !

 

Mi amor had soft, sandy brown hair and the biggest, black, lovey-dovey eyes I’ve ever seen.  He was absolutely adorable, and I’d leave The Dingus in a heartbeat for him!

I spied him near the food court, and boldly, I went over to introduce myself.

I’d never before done anything of the sort!  

When our eyes met, I fell deeply, madly, in love with my sweet, sweet ‘Sugar Bear!

I couldn’t contain myself, so enamored was I; impulsively, I reached out and stroked his sandy hair. 

My heart was pounding inside my chest!  I feared he may be scared off by my excitement, but his big, pleading eyes told me that he wanted me as much as I wanted him.   I just couldn’t keep my hands off him!  I wanted only to hold him next to my lovestruck heart forever.

It mattered not that I would have to pay for the love that this fine creature would give me; gigolo schmigolo!  

 I NEEDED to give him a big, ol’ dose of mamalove!  That handsome fella was coming home with me! 

Needless to say, The Dingus was none too pleased with my behavior. 

I introduced him to the object of my love, and as I’d feared, he rejected my new desire. 

No surprise there; a ‘meat’n’potatoes-kinda-guy’, The Dingus has never been open to ‘spicing things up’ or even trying-out the extreme or the exotic.

The Dingus not only balked at the quoted fee for the guy, he choked!   It was a DEAL for such wild animal-lust!

 

 

What price love?!

 

 

Despite my ‘pathetic sad face’ and working up the requisite tears, my emphatic pleas fell on deaf ears. 

Where was The Dingus’s sense of adventure? 

Did he not want to please me?  To satisfy all of my hungers? 

Did he not love me enough to acquiesce to my desires?

Though I offered to turn the occasional trick to finance my love, The Dingus denied me the opportunity to enjoy the companionship of this male. 

Though I tried to reason that today’s families are no longer made up of just two parents, a couple of kids and a dog, he refused to listen. 

Even the argument that ‘it would be GOOD for the girls’ could not sway him!

A jealous man, The Dingus is not willing to share his home with another male. 

 

No amount of begging would win over my staid, stoic hubby.

 

 

I crave!

 

I LUST!

 

 

I cannot help who I am; I cannot quench my desire to give of myself to other hot-blooded, love-starved beings!  

I have NEEDS – visceral, deep-seated YEARNINGS!

I am a woman who has far too much love to share.

 

To hell with The Dingus! 

 

 

SOMEDAY, SOMEHOW, I WILL HAVE MY ‘SUGAR BEAR’ IN MY LIFE!

 

 

If it comes down to The Dingus or my ‘Sugar Bear’, The Dingus goes! 

 

 

I must find a Sugar Daddy to help me bring home my ‘Sugar Bear’!

 

Last night, broken and empty, I said a tear-filled, gut-wrenching goodbye to the love of my life.

I held his hand and laid a final, bittersweet kiss upon his soft cheek.

 

I was, and still am, utterly heart-broken.

 

I have only a few photos to remember him, mi corazón, el amor de mi vida:

 

 

 

 

 

Irwin - Sugar Glider Picture