Snickerfodder

Archive for the ‘For Giggles & Grins!’ Category

 

Happy Birthday, Ray!

 

 

 

 

The Viv loves Ray Bradbury.

 

Just not quite as much as this lusty chick:

 

 

 

 

 

  

  

  

The M & Ms were ‘helping’ SassyMama clean up the kitchen the other night.

(the kind of ‘help’ that pushes mama one step closer to the nearest meth lab)

 

 

  

  

 

BLARING from my very favorite appliance in the world, my under-cabinet TV/CD/DVD player, 

 

came a COMMERCIAL

 

 

 

 

 

 

The ubiquitous and obnoxious SNUGGY plug? 

 

 

  

 

 

Naw; couldn’t be so lucky.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It just so happened to be one of those erectile dysfunction ads. 

 

 

 

 

 

GREAT.

 

  

  

 

 

M2, her nose buried in her 3rd  (yes, 3rd ) Nintendo DS game system, was intent on her Mario Bros. game — or so I thought.

 

 

 

 

The ad spokesman cautioned the millions of  men within the viewing (and listening) audience who have the occasional and unfortunate flaccid penis to:

 

 

  

 

 “Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough for sex….” 

 

 

 

 

 

M2, my hyper-tasking-Ritalin-poster-child,  immediately perked up.

 

 

 

 

 

“Mama,  why did that man say, ‘sex‘?”

 

 

 

 

 

“Um…oh, boy…ummm….nnuummm….”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

M1, who just turned a worldly nine years old, replied,

 

 

 

“Sex is whether you are a boy or a girl, stupid dummy-head.”

 

 

 

  

  

 

 

 

 

M2, who is six-going-on-26, said,

 

 

 

“Nuh-uh! 

 

Sex is when you get NAKED!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Oh, God and Baby Jesus, help me)

 

 

 

   

  

  

Just then, The Dingus walked in to the kitchen. 

 

 

 

 

 I was able to face neither him nor my precocious children; I remained with my back to the whole flippin’ lot of them, frantically trying to recall where the hell I’d stashed my ‘Let’s Talk About Sex’ script

 

 

 

***NOTE to SassyMama-Self:  Find that dagum script  — STAT!    An all-nighter-cram-and-jam session may be needed so that I wouldn’t get caught tomorrow, bright ‘n’ early, with more prickly questions.   

 

***Erstwhile, keep workin’ the ‘Mama’s-just-been-frontal-lobotomized-con’.   Drool for added authenticity:

  

 

 

 

 

“Ummm…nnnuumm…aaahhh…uuummm….”

 

 

 

 

 

Seeing that —  for once —  SassyMama had no sass up her ass, M2 whipped around to confront her father.   

 

 

 

 

 

“Daddy, did you and Mommy SEX in high school?

 

 

 

 

  

  

 

 

HOLY SHIT!  WHERE’D THAT COME FROM? 

 

That one’s NOT in the flippin’ script!

 

  

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Oh, God and infant baby Jesus lying in the manger)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I threw The Dingus right under the bus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I let that question (and my hubby)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HANG

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

I was able to muster only a few more weak monosyllabic utterances while pounding a cabinet with my open palm

(that one was genuine; no acting on the pounding).

 

 

 

 

The Dingus wheedled out of the question by saying something akin to:

 

 

 

“That’s something only those who are 10 and older are allowed to talk about.  

 

Until then, it’s not appropriate for little girls to discuss such things. 

 

 

 

When you’re 10, MOMMY will tell you all about sex.” 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Touché, mon ami, touché. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I asked a little neighbor girl what she plans ‘to be’  for Halloween.

  

She wants to be ‘The Grim Creaker’.

  

It reminded me of another wee one who once wished to be DEATH.

 

Long ago, when I taught preschool in Hawaii, I had so many adorable wee ones.

My favorite was a squirrely little guy named Vinny.   

He was a sour, pickled little fella; an old soul trapped in a tiny three-year-old body. 

No matter what the task or the treat, Vinny would wrinkle up his little face in utter anguish and growl-whine,

  

“OOWWWNNNNLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!” 

 

(as if we dipped him in boiling water on a regular basis)   

 

He had to be prodded and cajoled and finally forced into participating in every exercise — even lunch.

  

 

Vinny hated everything.

 

  

I    ADORED    HIM.

  

 

One October morning I had ‘lanai’ duty (porch watch). 

Coming up the ramp to school  was a walking hooded sweatshirt. 

(It could only be my buddy Vinny.)

 No part of his body could be seen under his teenaged brother’s chocolate brown hoodie. 

Ever Vinny, his hooded head was hanging to his chest as he moped along the walkway, dragging several inches of sleeve along the cement.

No clue how he was able to navigate; somehow he ended up in front of me, still hood-down, just waiting for me to engage him.

 

“Good morning, Vincent,”  said I.

No movement.

“Hel-lo, Vinny…”

Nothing.

“Vi-nnnn-yyyy…” 

Still nothing.

(At this point, I realized that today Vinny was refusing to be himself — which is common in preschool.)

 

Finally, he tilted back his head, and I could see part of his scrunched-up face under the hood.

  

I waited for it….

 

“OOWWWNNNNLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!”   

 

 

 I’m The Grim Creeep-er!

 

 

“It’s ‘Reaper’, Vinny.  The Grim Reaper. 

You’re the Grim RRREEEAAAPPP-ER.”

  

Wait…for…it…

 

“OOWWWNNNNLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!”

 

Then he dropped his hood to his chest and lope-dragged his wicked little butt into the classroom and promptly prostrated himself in the middle of the circle-time rug, a mangled ‘kiddie-version’ of The Vitruvian Man.

 

DEATH  came to life only when I offered to let him make a bumfodder-roll-and-tinfoil scythe.

 

Why not? 

 

After all, it was a Catholic Montessori  Preschool; I was simply allowing The Grim Creeep-er to investigate, to create and to explore his chosen path for the day.  

 

(hhmmm….let me think:  medieval weaponry…or lacing Dressie Bessie’s shoes?…hhhmmmm….)

 

Vinny spent the rest of the day scaring the shit out of the other wee folk. 

 

 

I think The Grim Creeep-er actually smiled that day.

 

 

God, how I loved that child….

Now, you know Viv didn’t come upon these little beauties in her own search for spirituality; she has been barred from many a church….

  
Attribution:  No idea from whence they came;
Source:  Unknown
*Unlike J.K. Rowling, Viv’s not into plagiarism;  these are just too damn funny not to share! 
 
   Thanks to my friend who emailed these for giggles and grins!
  

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared
in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


————————–
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
————————–
The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight:
‘Searching for Jesus.’
————————–
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
————————–
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone
who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
————————-
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
————————–
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
————————–
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
————————–
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.
————————–
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.
————————-
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow.
————————–
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
————————
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
————————–
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled the
proceeds will be used to cripple children.
————————–
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
————————–
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
————————–
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
————————–
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
————————–
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
————————–
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
————————–
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
————————–
*Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the       
back door.
————————–
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

————————–
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.
————————–
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last
Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’

 

*Viv’s Very Favorite!