Snickerfodder

Posts Tagged ‘vacation

  

  

VACATION

 

 

 is one of The Viv’s faVorite words.   

  

  

I would venture to say that it’s one of everyone’s faVorites. 

Not just because it’s fun to say and that it starts with the letter ‘V’.   

The attraction of the very word lies within the concept of  VACATING her day-to-day-mind-numbing-hellish LIFE.   

For The Viv,  the mere idea of VACATING and ESCAPING that oft-wretched suckfest of a life for one, measly frickin’ week a year

happens to be the lifeblood, that magic elixir, that gets her through the other miserable 51 weeks. 

  

  

The Viv

LIVES

for that single, precious, sustaining

semana

wherein she enjoys being

 

 

 

 

The Bon Vivant.

  

  

 

 

  

   Oh! 

 

 

     To FLEE!  

 

 

  

  

Toto

  

 

  

   Most days —

to

 

  

ANYWHERE

 

(including a well-padded maximum-security facility) 

(with really good food)

  

  

 

  

But, for that single-precious-sustaining semana,

  

The Bon Viv chooses,

  

 hands-down,

  

to be in

 

 

  

OCMD.

  

 

 

 

   There simply is

 NO OTHER

place

 I’d rather be. 

 

 

EVER.

 

 

 

   In fact,

  I want to

LIVE

 and

DIE

  there. 

 

 

 

It is my DREAM to live in one o’ those quaint little cottages on the boardwalk (preferably somewhere between 6th and 16th streets),

to wake every day to the brown ocean slapping the man-made jetty, and to spend my lazy days on my cute little porch gawking the

vacationers in their Sunsations-seasonal-skankwear parading and/or making dunderhead decisions in driving various non-motorized

vehicles up and down the boards. 

 

 

 

AAAHHHHHHHH….

  

 

 

 

As for dying in OCMD,

I, Sassy Viv,

 do hereby decree

my desire

to be

 

  cremated

 

 

 

 

I wish for my leathery cadaver  

to be 

charred

on the Bull on the Beach fryers. 

 

 

 

Then,

I want The Dingus

to put me into a lashed harness

(with 320 lb. twisted poly line, of course),

ram a sturdy spar and spreader

 up my crispy ass,

and then launch

my charred carcass

in front of

 

The Kite Loft

 

to allow my CinderViv self

to scatter 

across the boards and the beach. 

 

 

 

 

Ideally,

my cremation will take place

on a day with a wind 

that will carry my ashes

five blocks south

so that

Randy Hofman

can

incorporate

a little of

The Viv

into his Jesus sand sculptures.  

 

 

 

 

That’s the closest to

Heaven

The Viv will get.

 

 

EVER.

 

 

 

                      Yep, even The Viv!

 

 

 

 

 

 

For the first time in the M & Ms’ short, little lives, SassyMama was able to stay home with them during the summer.  I looked forward to this time with my beloved babes, hoping to relish every moment of every day spent with my darling daughters.  Oh!  The things we would do together!  The books we would read!  The adventures we would have!  The “special time” we would cherish for the rest of our lives.  

 

Yeah, right.  That little pipe dream led straight down the crapper.  That bliss I had envisioned lasted all of two frippin’ days!  By day 3 of summer vaca, I was ready to rip my hair out by the roots and choke the little ‘tards!  “Endless Summer” has a brand new meaning for me, my friends:  Endless Summer of Screaming, Whining and Fighting is more like it!   WHAT was I thinking?!  They fought over everything imaginable:  clothes, Nintendo DS games, who got to ring the neighbor’s doorbell 1st, who got to press the buttons on the freakin’ washing machine…you name it, they fought for it.  My personal favorite was the wailing war over whose summer sandals Pappy was going to like best!   JC on high!!!!!  (and speaking of “high,” I now know why people take drugs).

 

I have had a headache the size of the tri-state area for 3 dagum months!   I went through 3 bottles of Extra-Strength Tylenol during my Endless Summer of Misery!  However, I am now in a 12-Step program to wean myself off.   The day before school started back up, I found my foggy self driving aimlessly through seedy downtown streets…I’m pretty sure, subconsciously,  I was cruising for a meth lab.  (Whew!  That Tylenol intervention was none too soon!)