Happy Festivus! 

The holiday for the rest of us

Stick this pole up yer hole!

I just love the AOG — The Airing of Grievances.

Nothing spreads the spirit of Festivus like blasting those around you with blistering words.   I keep a running list of grievances all year long.  Below are my biggies.

The Viv’s Top 5 Grievances of 2010

5.  To my daughters:  I’m sick of pickin’ up your goddamn clothes from the floor.  There’s either a Hannah Montana or a Disney Princess hamper in your bedroom.

Learn it.  Know it.  USE IT. 

4.   To the mothers of the gymnasts on the competition team:    You’re not the athletes, so stay out’a the fuckin’ gym.   Stop tryin’ to snag the attention you didn’t get in high school through your just-a-shade-lighter-than-chubby daughters.   You’re bitches.  And, NEWSFLASH:  You’re fat.

3.   To neighbors who own corner lots: Look out the windows on both sides of your house.  See that sidewalk?  It’s YOURS.  Pull the shovel out’a your ass and put it to work.

2.  To whatever beauty-school-dropout I draw when I walk into Hair Cuttery:  “It’s Cuttery, bitch; not ‘BUTCHERY’.”

1.  To my husband, my darling Dingus: 

 ‘Drip-Dry’ does NOT apply to your pucker. 

Wipe, Motherfucker, WIPE!   

TWICE, if that’s what it takes! 

Unless YOU’D rather scrub the Hershey Swirls in your underwear –

for the love of God, man – WIPE!