The holiday for the rest of us
Stick this pole up yer hole!
I just love the AOG — The Airing of Grievances.
Nothing spreads the spirit of Festivus like blasting those around you with blistering words. I keep a running list of grievances all year long. Below are my biggies.
The Viv’s Top 5 Grievances of 2010
5. To my daughters: I’m sick of pickin’ up your goddamn clothes from the floor. There’s either a Hannah Montana or a Disney Princess hamper in your bedroom.
Learn it. Know it. USE IT.
4. To the mothers of the gymnasts on the competition team: You’re not the athletes, so stay out’a the fuckin’ gym. Stop tryin’ to snag the attention you didn’t get in high school through your just-a-shade-lighter-than-chubby daughters. You’re bitches. And, NEWSFLASH: You’re fat.
3. To neighbors who own corner lots: Look out the windows on both sides of your house. See that sidewalk? It’s YOURS. Pull the shovel out’a your ass and put it to work.
2. To whatever beauty-school-dropout I draw when I walk into Hair Cuttery: “It’s Cuttery, bitch; not ‘BUTCHERY’.”
1. To my husband, my darling Dingus:
‘Drip-Dry’ does NOT apply to your pucker.
Wipe, Motherfucker, WIPE!
TWICE, if that’s what it takes!
Unless YOU’D rather scrub the Hershey Swirls in your underwear –
for the love of God, man – WIPE!
, Dan O'Keefe
, festivus pole
, Frank Costanza
, Gillian Jacobs
, gym moms
, Hair Cuttery
, Hannah Montana
, Hershey Swirls
, Nick Offerman
, overworked mothers
, sick & tired
, snow shoveling